The Rules

The first 100

Since I become a full time stay at home dad I’ve noticed that some things just happen, and as such actions need to be taken. I have assembled these events into a series of ever growing rules (below) and have published them on Twitter  as humorous and sometimes painful observations. Find below the first 100 such rules. *Denotes a blog post has been created.

#DadRule No.1 Always check that there’s toilet paper before sitting down. 

#DadRule No.2 Always have spare cloths for yourself and the kids. 

#DadRule No.3 Never expect a moments peace.  *

#DadRule No.4 Random things will happen.(ref1-3) 

#DadRule No.5 Get used to @TheWiggles

#DadRule No.6 Always drive on high alert.*

#DadRule No.7 The toilet is not a sanctuary.

#DadRule No.8 Child gates will not stop them.

#DadRule No.9 Put chilli on all of your food to ensure it remains your food.

#DadRule No.10 Food you cook will not be eaten till you threaten to throw it out.

#DadRule No.11 Be warned, stuff may just stop working for no reason.

#DadRule No.12 Your toothbrush will never be the same (ref 4)

#DadRule No.13 You’ll become a master of negotiations. *

#DadRule No.14 Your toolbox will suddenly become a toy box.

#DadRule No.15 You may find yourself replacing words in kids songs to more adult persuasions.

#DadRule No.16 Your kids actions may start to resemble those of the ibis bird.

#DadRule No.17 Evidently toilet paper is a mystery worth unraveling.

#DadRule No.18 DVD’s and CD’s will just stop working (ref 11).

#DadRule No.19 Power points are now forbidden toys (ref 11).

#DadRule No.20 You’ll be responsible for constructing everything that’s brought into the house. *

#DadRule No.21 Go to your happy place.

#DadRule No.22 When they say your name your heart will melt, not in the good way.

#DadRule No.23 Alway be on alert as if the zombie apocalypse happened, only smaller.

#DadRule No.24 Whatever coloured bowl you picked use the opposite, it’ll still be wrong but at least you tried.

#DadRule No.25 You’ll become the repairer of all things crappy, yes even McDonald’s toys.

#DadRule No.26 You’ll say: “Childs name NO!” a lot. (Ref 4)

#DadRule No.27 You’ll get to watch movies that would be socially awkward without kids.

#DadRule No.28 You’ll find imaginative things to do with junk.

#DadRule No.29 You will answer a million questions about stuff you never thought to consider.

#DadRule No.30 Be prepared to repeat yourself lots.

#DadRule No.31 Be prepared to repeat yourself lots.

#DadRule No.32 You may find yourself watching TV with a @Furby (hopefully a sleeping one)

#DadRule No.33 Even if you buy multiples of the same thing the kids will still fight over which one is theirs.

#DadRule No.34 Treat your tired toddler –> 8 year olds as if they’re a drunk friend.

#DadRule No.35 Sometimes you just won’t know of its apple juice or wee.

#DadRule No.36 You’ll do things that in the non parent world would seem heroic.*

#DadRule No.37 You’ll do things that in the non parent world would seem idiotic.*

#DadRule No.38 You’ll do the same tasks over and over again.

#DadRule No.39 You’ll lovingly craft fresh pancakes every Sunday and be the only one who eats them.

#DadRule No.40 They probably won’t get your @Simpson quotes.

#DadRule No.41 They’ll say they love your music as quickly as they say they hate it.

#DadRule No.42 You’ll become the reciprocal for all uneaten food.

#DadRule No.43 You’ll spend 1/2hr inflating a blow-up-pool, by hand, for approximately 5min of play/swimming. 

#DadRule No.44 Eating an entire meal uninterrupted will become you’re biggest goal.

#DadRule No.45 You will “almost” twist your ankle once daily, sometimes twice.

#DadRule No.46 Sometimes you’ll have an empty plate in your fridge, and not just for a day, might be weeks before you find that sucker.

#DadRule No.47 Your kids will be hungry at the mere sight of food. *

#DadRule No.48 Who said that you need to cut cheese before you eat it.

#DadRule No.49 You’ll miss calculate when school goes back and be bitterly disappointed.

#DadRule No.50 You know you’re in trouble when they say that their imaginary friend doesn’t like you. Queue creepy music.

#DadRule No.51 No matter how much stuff you pick up off the floor you’ll always have more stuff to pick up off the floor.

#DadRule No.52 Adopt the philosophy of; if it fits in the vacuum cleaner hose it’s fair game.

#DadRule No.53 You may find yourself hanging washing out in a 40°c heat, it’s all good it won’t burn forever.

#DadRule No.54 You’ll finally get the kids ready, in the car, and may even make it to your destination only to find you forgot your wallet.

#DadRule No.55 Even when you’ve opened a pop top drink it’s still not open and ready to drink, this you will learn repeatedly.

#DadRule No.56 If it sounds like they’re having too much fun, then it’ll probably end in tears.

#DadRule No.57 Be aware that with potties kids can go anywhere, anytime.

#DadRule No.58 You’ll use any number of Tupperware containers in place of real food bowls.

#DadRule No.59 You’ll discover that the cleaning elves come out when the kids go to bed, FYI you’re the elves.

#DadRule No.60 Unlike Andy’s toys, when the kids leave the room you fall limp on the floor.

#DadRule No.61 child one and two will do everything to wake child three.

#DadRule No.62 Newton’s unknown 4th law of motion: As quickly as you pack away toys your kids will be unpacking them behind you.

#DadRule No.63 A freshly mopped floor so easily becomes a slip-and-slide.

#DadRule No.64 If your child hands you something that looks like a peanut butter ball, it’s probably not a peanut butter ball! 💩

#DadRule No.65 You may develop Stockholm Syndrome on wet or super hot days.

#DadRule No.66 Disney trademark cups are just as good as any for serving: Coffee, wine, rum, scotch, and beer.

#DadRule No.67 Tacky will take on a new meaning.

#DadRule No.68 Baby wipes can be used for other things besides bottoms.

#DadRule No.69 When you cook rice prepare to have sticking to your feet for an indeterminate amount of time.

#DadRule No.70 You may find yourself stirring coffee and tea with a @Nurofen syringe.

#DadRule No.71 That scene in Dumb and Dumber where they make “the most annoying sound in the world” that will be your theme song.

#DadRule No.72 Several trips to school may be needed: hat, permission note, water bottle, etc.

#DadRule No.73 You can still hear them through walls.

#DadRule No.74 A group of children is called a rabble.

#DadRule No.75 They should use @Lego as minefields during war time.

#DadRule No.76 Cake can easily end up looking like cat litter when handled by toddlers. 

#DadRule No.77 Sometimes the poo in the bath happens early, the choices; go with it or start again?

#DadRule No.78 You don’t need to be a #cagefighter to be kicked in the face.

#DadRule No.79 Toddlers can break glass with their deadly banshee scream.

#DadRule No.80 When children are involved × everything by 3: time, effort, requirements, volume, willpower, etc.

#DadRule No.81 Some days you cook and clean so much it feels like you work in a hotel, a very cheap hotel!

#DadRule No.82 You will pack the dishwasher and press start only to find random plates and spoons who’ve missed the boat.

#DadRule No.83 “Get out of the kitchen!” Will become a catchphrase as if you were on a sitcom.

#DadRule No.84 Ha, I laugh at you @MasterChefAU. I can cook amazing things with kids hanging off my clothes and rolling at my feet.

#DadRule No.85 You’ll learn certain episodes of cartoons word for word.

#DadRule No.86 Toilets; the playground of toddlers, add a toilet brush and it’s like Christmas.

#DadRule No.87 Once a toddler sets it’s mind to a task, it’ll see it finished no matter the cost or how insane it is.

#DadRule No.88 Your house may at times feel like the loudest house on the street. By at times I mean all the time. 

#DadRule No.89 You’ll spend approximately 365 hours on bed time routines a year, that’s 15.2 days every year.

#DadRule No.90 Be sure to cut food the right shape, size, and with the right attitude.

#DadRule No.91 “One more!” will become the anthem of your generation.

#DadRule No.92 Nothing wears as footwear quite as well as silicone muffin trays.

#DadRule No.93 Pretend you’re on a 90’s sitcom and everything will make sense.

#DadRule No.94 Huge plush toys like: Upsy Daisy or Dorothy make great substitute pillows.

#DadRule No.95 If you child won’t go to sleep in their room just imagine Steve McQueen in the great escape

#DadRule No.96 Dish cloths are some times used for otherthings than dishes, don’t be alarmed be vigilant.

#DadRule No.97 Be prepared to set the time on your alarm clock everyday, kids can’t let that thing alone.

#DadRule No.98 The Tupperware cupboard, the new version of the shapo toy.

#DadRule No.99 The long forgotten 11th plague of Egypt: The Toddler.

#DadRule No.100 Clothing is optional.